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The Spinoffs
Of course, these will never happen, and will just fall by the wayside with every other fantastic idea I come up with, like that see-through toaster, to save all the hassle and wear and tear on popping up the bread to see when it’s ready, or that kettle that you can set to stop at, say 50 degrees, because I for one am fed up with waiting for my coffee to cool down again, and I’ve seen other people pour a bit of cold water in to speed things up so I’m not alone on this ok?
I’m not all about food inspired innovations though, as here I present what I feel will fly in the face of what that Reading-born barrage balloon lookalike claims, and only strengthen people’s regard for the creations which he having planted, can now bloom.
Brenty and the jets
If I haven’t deleted this before uploading this page, remind me to.
Keith and Malcolm’s Detective Hour
A cross between The Odd Couple and The Detectives (starring Jasper Carrot), Big Keith and Bald Malcolm are two personality clashing detectives, who have to put aside their differences and work together when something or someone is stolen or kidnapped from Windsor Castle each week (Windsor’s near Slough). Also they have to live together, and each week some domestic squabble coincidently helps one of them work out how the crime was committed. Normally Malcolm, as he can speak a bit quicker.
Episode 1: Somehow some thieves have broken into a very high tower without using a rope or climbing up the wall or flying in. Meanwhile, Malcolm is fixing the spring on the toaster...
Malcolm and Mindy
Finchy introduces Malcolm, who turns out to be an alien, to Mindy, who spends most of her time fretting over her parents giving her such an odd name. (Mork and Mindy was a spinoff show, you see why this is funny now. Laugh you bastards, laugh!!)
Tim
Tim has finally left his Office job, and after a couple of years studying psychology, has landed himself a job at whatever BBC local radio station does Slough. Along with the occasional appearance from other Wernham Hogg staff, who ask him for advice either in person or by calling his phone-in show, we meet his father, and brother Niles...
The Office: The Next Generation
Ooh, I mean, obviously I just put this in to go along with the “ripping off already existing spinoffs” gag, but...but...no. No maybe not.
Simon Says
Simon, the IT nerd, gets his very own show. Not only does the title reflect that Simon has a high opinion of his opinions, it also literally reminds us of his enjoyment for spreading these opinions through talking. The talking is mainly done at Stuart Foot, his acquiescent and deadpan flatmate.
Each week Simon gets into trouble over something he’s said, or something someone thinks he has said (could be drug dealers, OAPs, Malcolm and or Mindy, Stuart Foot...good range of social groups here, will help the series last). Unlike your traditional sitcom, the twist is that just as we think Simon has talked his way out of another close scrape, he doesn’t and is beaten up or often killed for his errors. Everything is back to normal at the start of the next episode.
Donna’s Summer
One off feature length TV production following Donna around, for one summer.
Finchy’s Finchley
One off feature length TV production following Chris “Finchy” Finch around, for one summer. In Finchley.
Geoff’s Lamps
Knowing when to stop they say.
Stuart’s Foot
Inspired by the well endowed antics of Robin Ince, each week Stuart tries to get a different job, all of which involve him wearing very tight pants.
Malcolm in the Middle East
Oh it’s all in the title.
Malcolm and Rowan’s Laugh In
Doomed series in which Malcolm and Rowan (the trainer from Bradford) have to spend so much time reminding the audience of just who they are, along with the long forgotten show that their show title is a reference to, each week that they don’t have time for anything else.
Another Dawn
Early one morning, Dawn’s long lost twin, also called Dawn... Less really is more isn’t it?
The Office Special 2
Inspired by Tim’s throwaway comment, ten years from now we return to Wernham Hogg, to the lives that have been forever shaped by the random choice of their office as the setting for a BBC documentary. How mad it is that a single decision could send so many lives off in such a variety of ways, maybe some for the better, some for the worse, though of course we’ll never know.
Gareth is still a Benny, whatever that means. One for you etymologists. What’s the matter, ooh, doesn’t it come from Latin? Do your job you lazy self important smug pretentious gits.