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“You always get the odd person who doesn’t appreciate what you’re doing, shouts silly things.”
“What sort of things?”
“You beardy twat. Pug-nosed gimp. Lard Boy-and I go ‘Yeah what have you ever done on telly? nothing, so don’t...’. Absolutely flabulous.”
David Brent and interviewer (Special 1)
“You name something and I’ll tell you an interesting fact about it. Sort of trivia or something.”
“What sort of thing?”
“Anything!”
“...cows?”
“Cows. Cows have got four stomachs. Alright? You said cows. Choose anything.”
“Lemons?”
“Lemons?!”
“Well I can choose something else-”
“No you said lemons, er, pound for pound there’s more sugar in a lemon than in a strawberry.”
David Brent and Susan (Special 2)
“When was the last time you had an actual girlfriend?”
“I don’t look on it as when. I look on it as who, and why.”
David Brent and interviewer (Special 1)
“I have been given an opportunity that would literally be a sin to waste. So, build on it, yeah? They took a normal guy, and they said ‘let’s see what the nation thinks of him’, and the nation seems to be saying ‘yeah, what else you got?’.”
David Brent (Special 1)
“If they loved me why are they throwing stuff? Throwing water, plastic bottles, underpants?! One bloke threw a pair of y-fronts, hit me in the face, and I knew it was nutella or marmite he’d smudged on the gusset. But it was still him going ‘that’s what we think of you mate. You’re shit’.”
“Where did he get the marmite from? He must of prepared that from home cos he knew you were on.”
“Well that doesn’t make me feel any better? Why say that?”
David Brent and Pete the agent (Special 2)
“I did learn a lot from David. I learnt from his mistakes. We’re very different people; he used humour where I use discipline. And I learnt that nobody respects him. And in a war situation, if you want your platoon to go over the top with you to certain death, it’s no good saying to them ‘Please come with me lads, I’ll tell you a joke.’ It’s a direct order ‘Come with me.’ And they’ll go ‘Yes, he’s got good leadership skills, let’s all go with him to our certain death’.”
Gareth (Special 1)
“What time’s the, er, meal beforehand? I think I better line my stomach!”
“I needed to speak to you about that, management have had a discussion, upper echelons above my head, but decided that only present employees of the company can come to the meal.”
“I’m not worried about that, I don’t want to come to the meal.”
“Good, because you wouldn't be allowed in if you did turn up-”
“I don’t want to, listen to me. Who’s idea was that? Neil’s?”
“It might have been Neil’s, yeah.”
“Ooh, there’s a surprise. No-one else is invited who isn’t work-Dawn’s not invited or anything?”
“No.”
“Fine. I know what he’s doing, I know what he’s up to.”
“I could probably have a word with Neil if you want me to?”
“Nothing you could do, you’re just a puppet.”
David Brent and Gareth (Special 2)
“The people you work with, are people you were just thrown together with. You don’t know them, it wasn’t your choice. And yet you spend more time with them then you do your friends or your family, but probably all you’ve got in common, is the fact that you walk around on the same bit of carpet for eight hours a day. And so, obviously, when someone comes in, who you, you have a connection with-yeah. And Dawn was a ray of sunshine in my life. It meant a lot. But if I’m really being honest, I never really thought it would have a happy ending.
I don’t know what a happy ending is. Life isn’t about endings is it? It’s a series of moments, and erm...it’s like if you turn the camera off, it’s not an ending is it? I’m still here, my life’s not over. Come back here in ten years, see how I’m doing then. Because I could be married with kids, you don’t know.
Life just goes on.”
Tim (Special 2)
“Right, her details. Her marital status: single, divorced-”
“Not divorced. Nah, husband might still be around, might be a nutter. I’m not getting into all that.”
“Widowed?”
“I’d bloody love her to be widowed.”
Gareth and David Brent (Special 1)
“A philosopher once wrote you need three things to have a good life. One, a meaningful relationship, two, a decent job of work, and three, to make a difference. And it was always that third one that stressed me, to make a difference. And I realise that I do. Every day, we all do. It’s how we interact, with our fellow man.”
“How would you like to be remembered?”
“Simply, as, the man who put a smile on the face of all who he met.”
David Brent and interviewer (Special 2)
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