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gervais office quotes dance david brent british sitcom slough
“I don’t look upon this like it’s the end, I look upon it like it’s moving on you know. It’s almost like my work here’s done. I can’t imagine Jesus going ‘Oh, I’ve told a few people in Bethlehem I’m the son of God, can I just stay here with Mum and Dad now?’ No. You gotta move on. You gotta spread the word. You gotta go to Nazareth, please. And that’s, very much like...me. My world does not end within these four walls, Slough’s a big place. And when I’ve finished with Slough, there’s Reading, Aldershot, Bracknell, you know I’ve got to-Didcott, Yateley. You know. My-Winersh, Taplow. Because I am my own boss, I can-Burfield. I can wake up one morning and go ‘Ooh, I don’t feel like working today, can I just stay in bed?’ ‘Ooh, don’t know, better ask the boss.’ ‘David can I stay in bed all day?’ ‘Yes you can David.’ Both me, that’s not me in bed with another bloke called David.”
David Brent (Series 2, Episode 6)
“What’s the weather like up there?”
“Oh I’ve heard that before.”
“They must have put you in a grow bag when you were little did they?”
“That’s an old one.”
“Let’s grow ourselves a big lanky goggle-eyed freak of a son.”
“Alright calm down mate, there’s no need to get offensive.”
“No no, I was joining in-”
“I didn’t call you fatty as soon as I saw you.”
“No I was joining in with-”
“Just don’t have a go at the eyes, cos that is a stigmatism I’ve had from the age of five, so that’s what make them a bit bulbous, so don’t just...I didn’t call you the whale-man or like blubber-man.”
“Yeah but I don’t go round calling myself the mongboy.”
“Well I don’t either, I call myself the Oggmonster.”
“I’m not gonna call you the Oggmonster.”
“Well that’s my name-”
“No it’s not, what’s your real name?”
“Nathan.”
“It’s a good name.”
“Is it?”
“Yes. I’ll call you Nathan.”
“I didn’t call you fatty, so-”
“What is, what’s the matter with him?”
David Brent and Oggy (Series 2, Episode 5)
“People see me, and they see the suit, and they go: “you’re not fooling anyone”, they know I’m rock and roll through and through. But you know that old thing, live fast, die young? Not my way. Live fast, sure, live too bloody fast sometimes, but die young? Die old. That’s the way- not orthodox, I don’t live by “the rules” you know. And if there’s one other person who’s influenced me in that way I think, someone who is a maverick, someone who does that to the system, then, it’s Ian Botham. Because Beefy will happily say “that’s what I think of your selection policy, yes I’ve hit the odd copper, yes I’ve enjoyed the old dooby, but will you piss off and leave me alone, I’m walking to John O’Groats for some spastics.”.”
David Brent (Series 2, Episode 3)
“I got the Slough gazette coming down-take a photo.”
“What time they coming down?”
“About five-ish.”
“They’ll love us”
“Nah it’s just me, I got something planned.”
“We could all be in it though.”
“Well not really-”
“But they’ll love us!”
“Stop trying to worm into someone else’s photo!”
David Brent and Gareth (Series 2, Episode 5)
A snippet from Brent’s motivational talk:
“You’re all looking at me, you’re going “well yeah, you’re a success, you’ve achieved you’re goals, you’re reaping the rewards, sure. But, OI, Brent! Is all you care about chasing the yankee dollar?” Let me show you something I always keep with me. Just a little book, Collective Meditations, and it’s a collection of philosophers, writers, thinkers, native American wisdom, which I, and it’s really showing you that, er, the spiritual side needs as much care and attention as the physical side. It’s about feeding the soul, yeah? Evolving spirituality. And a foreword by Duncan Goodhew, so...
Can I read one-which I think- “If all men were to bring their miseries together in one place, most would be glad to take each, his own, home again, rather than take a portion out of the common stock.” It’s saying, for the first time, you know, the grass isn’t always greener on the other side, don’t look over your neighbour’s fence and go “ooh he’s got a better car than me, ooh, he’s got a more attractive wife.” We all wake up and we go “oh, I ache, I’m not 18 any more, you know, I’m thirty ni- you know, I’m in my thirties, I’m not-”, but so what, at least I’ve got my health. And if you haven’t got your health-if you’ve got one leg, at least I haven’t got two legs missing. And if you have lost both legs and both arms, just go “at least I’m not dead!”
I’d rather be dead in that situation, to be honest. I’m not saying people like that should be...you know, put down. I’m saying that, in my life, I’d rather not live without arms and legs because...I’m just getting into yoga, for one thing. So....”
David Brent (Series 2, Episode 4)
“I froze your tears and made a dagger,
and stabbed it in my cock forever.
It stays there like Excalibur,
Are you my Arthur?
Say you are.Take this cool dark steeled blade,
Steal it, sheath it, in your lake.
I’d drown with you to be together.
Must you breathe? Cos I need Heaven.”
Excalibur, by David Brent (Series 2, Episode 2)
“You’ve seen me entertain, and raise money, but maybe I’d like to do that in the future for a living you know. Use my humour and my profile to both help and amuse people, you know. And if it’s ideas for TV shows, game shows or whatever you want, I’m your man. I’m already exploring the entertainment avenue with my management training, but I’d like to do that on a global scale really. And that’s not going ‘Ooh, look at me today, I’m entertaining whilst saving lives aren’t I brilliant?‘, it’s going ‘If you think I’m brilliant, then give generously and help save these guys who are starving, but are also brilliant’-not as entertainers, a lot of them can’t even speak English, but you know don’t give them their own game show, but save them from dying at least. And then maybe they could do something in their own country, on television or whatever they have, the wireless or I don’t know, give them a job on the world service or something.”
David Brent (Series 2, Episode 5)
“What you doing with my computer?”
“It’s not your computer is it? It’s Wernham Hogg’s.”
“Right. What you doing with Wernham Hogg’s computer?”
“You don’t need to know.”
“No I don’t need to know but could you tell me anyway?”
“I’m installing a firewall.”
“OK what’s that?”
“It protects your computer against script kiddies, data collectors, viruses, worms and trojan horses and it limits you’re outbound internet communications. Any more questions?”
“Yes. How long will it take?”
“Why? Do you want to do it yourself?”
“No, I can’t do it myself. How long will it take you out of interest?”
“It will take as long as it takes.”
“Right, er, how long did it take last time when-”
“It’s done.”
“Right thank you.”
“Now I’m gonna switch it off, when it comes back on it’ll ask you to hit yes, no or cancel. Hit cancel. Do not hit yes or no.”
“Right.”
“Did you hear what I said?”
“Yep.”
“What did I say?”
“Hit cancel.”
“Good.”
“Thanks.”
Tim and Simon, the IT geek (Series 2, episode 4)
“How old would you say I was, if you didn’t know me?”
“Forty?”
“No. How old do you think I look?”
“er, thirty-nine?”
“Most people think I look about thirty.”
“Definitely not.”
“Oh, are you calling them liars? What do you think?”
“erm, between thirty and forty?”
“Yes. More honest.”
Brent, Tony (probably), and Oliver (Series 2, episode 3)
“I can read women. And you’ve got to know their wants and their needs, and that can be anything from making sure she’s got enough money to buy groceries each week to making sure she’s gratified sexually after intercourse.”
Gareth (Series 2, episode 2)
“Hello.”
“Whoooo...oggy oggy oggy!”
“Oi oi oi! Alright Oggy?”
“Keano here, on speakerphone.”
“You on speakerphone?”
“Yep.”
“Tits! Who heard that?”
“Everyone you mentalist. Shut up. What do you want?”
“You coming down Chasers tonight for Gobbler’s birthday?”
“Yeah, definitely. Jimmy the perv coming?”
“Yeah yeah.”
“What about Fishfingers?”
“Oh Fishfingers can’t come cos Susan caught him getting off with whatsherface, with the norks.”
”Oh, that is mental. I’ll see you later then.”
“Gonads!”
Gareth and Oggy (Series 2, Episode 6)
“Some of you seem to have got off on the wrong foot with me. You didn't like some of the jokes I told earlier. You've got to chill out, yeah, trust me, this is what I do, alright? You will never work in a place like this again. This is brilliant-fact. And you will never have another boss like me. Someone who's basically a chilled out entertainer.”
David Brent (Series 2, Episode 1)
“I can’t believe you got off with a bird I fancy.”
“Why can’t you believe that Gareth?”
“Well I can’t believe there’s a bird that fancies you over me for a start. What you...? He’s a weird little bloke, look at his cartoon face and his hair-he looks like a Fisher Price man, his rubbish clothes. Makes me think there’s something wrong with you for a start, but yet in my head, I’d still do you, so I’m confused. Alright, I’ll ask you straight. Is there anything that could happen between us two while this is going on?”
“Like what?”
“What, specifically?”
“Yeah.”
“Handjob?”
Gareth, Tim and Rachel (Series 2, Episode 4)
“Now guys, we’re about to enter a warehouse environment, now I must warn you that some of the people in here will be working class, so there may be ass cleavage. So just find a partner, hold hands. Don’t talk to anyone though.”
Tim (Series 2, episode 3)
“Manamana, do do do do do, manamana do do do do, manamana, do do do do do, do do do, do do do, do do do do do do do do do do.” (x3)
Gareth, David Brent and Ben (Series 2, Episode 1)
“Trust, encouragement, reward, loyalty... satisfaction. That’s what I’m...you know. Trust people and they’ll be true to you. Treat them greatly, and they will show themselves to be great.”
David Brent (Series 2, Episode 2)
“Private life then, just to flesh out David Brent the man. Is there a better half?”
“David quipped: why buy a book when you can join the library?”
“So you play the field?”
“Well...I don’t like using chicks and shit, but I’m just chilling out while I’m young I suppose.”
“And is there a chick in tow at the moment?”
“Ooh, I don’t kiss and tell.”
“I’m just trying to find out if you’re in a relationship at the moment.”
“Brent says: no comment.”
“Right, so you don’t have a girlfriend?”
“Well, what is a girlfriend?”
“I don’t know, someone you’d have sex with?”
“Alright don’t get coarse, in a magazine for the public. I don’t think you’ll win a Pulitzer, for filth.”
Helena and David Brent (Series 2, Episode 6)
“What’s your biggest disappointment?”
“Alton Towers.”
“Oh, I’ve never been.”
“It’s rubbish, next.”
David Brent and Jude (Series 2, Episode 3)
“Big day today, Swindon mob are arriving. I’ve laid on a little do for them, part of the job. If you’re asking me what vibe I’m gonna lay down it’s gonna be very much just a ‘chill out, let’s get to know each other’ type of vibe.”
David Brent (Series 2, Episode 1)
“Today I’m doing the staff appraisals, and some people get a little bit nervous about that ‘cos they think they’re walking the long mile to put their head on the block. But they’re wrong, it’s a chance for them to tell me where we’re going wrong. It’s very much an opportunity-”
“-to separate the wheat from the chaff.”
“Well, no, that sounds bad. It’s not a witch-hunt, we’re not trying to find out who the worst people are.”
“Well, we know who they are already.”
“Well, no.”
“I’ve written them down on my form.”
“You shouldn’t have written them on your form.”
“I’ve underlined the worst ones.”
“You’re missing the point.” [looks at Gareth’s form] “Yep.”
David Brent and Gareth(Series 2, Episode 2)
“I’m thirties.”
“Yeah, but you’ve let yourself go a bit haven’t you?”
“I’ve let myself go a bit?”
“Yeah.”
“Look at yourself, you’re an embarrassment love, to be honest.”
David Brent and Trudy (Series 2, Episode 3)
“I’m just saying there should be tests.”
“We’re all ears Gareth.”
“Well I don’t know, when they go down the DSS to make a claim then they should set off a fire alarm fake fire alarm, everybody legs it out the office leaving them there. If they’re fake they’ll be up and running with them, if they’re real they’ll be left there screaming for help.”
Tim and Gareth (Series 2, Episode 5)
After Jennifer is told the “black man’s cock” joke:
“I can see why someone would find that offensive.”
“It’s not racist though, is it? I don’t say anything bad about black people.”
“It’s about a black man’s cock.”
“Why is that racist, it just happens to be a black man’s cock, it could equally-”
“No, you’re using the stereotype the ethnic stereotype that all black men have large penises because you think that makes it funnier.”
“It’s not an insult though, it’s a compliment if anything.”
“So you’re saying black people should be flattered because they’re only achievement in this world is having over-sized genitalia?”
“I’m saying they shouldn’t be ashamed of ‘em.”
“It’s a myth.”
“I don’t know Jennifer, I could show a magazine where literally-”
“Could you?”
“Well I haven’t got it with me, when are you next in?”
Jennifer, David Brent and Gareth (Series 2, Episode 1)
“If you like top trumps you should come to me. I got about five different sets. Don’t try to beat me on monster trucks though cos you won’t. My specialty.”
“Yeah, will it’s a game of chance though-”
“No, it’s not. I would know what cards you got, immediately, just through which cards I got. I used to play it, just by myself, dummy hand, just testing out every different scenario, which cards beat which other cards for hours, three or four hours at a time. But put in the work, the rewards are obvious.”
Gareth and Rachel (Series 2, Episode 3)
“Some people are intimidated when talking to large numbers of people in an entertaining way. Not me.”
David Brent (Series 2, Episode 1)
“A real relationship isn’t like a fairy tale, if you think that for the next forty years, every time you see each other you’re going to glow, or, every time you hold hands there’s going to be electricity, then, you’re kidding yourself really. What about reliability, or er, someone paying the mortgage, or someone who’s never been out of work. Those are the more important, practical things, you know. In reality.”
Dawn (Series 2, Episode 6)
“In my experience, women who work in factories are slappers.”
Gareth (Series 2, Episode 3)
“Team leader don’t mean anything mate.”
“Excuse me, it means I’m the leader of a team.”
“No it doesn't-it’s a title someone’s given you to get you to do something they don’t want to do, for free. Right? It’s like making a div kid at school milk monitor. No one respects it.”
“I think they do.”
“No they don’t Gareth.”
“Er, yes they do, because if people were rude to me then I used to give them their milk last, so it was warm.”
Tim and Gareth (Series 2, Episode 1)
“They’re malleable, and you know that’s what I like really, you know. I don’t like people who come here: ‘Ooh, we did it this way, we did it that way’. I just wanna go do it this way. If you like. If you don’t... Team playing-I call it team individuality, it’s a new, it’s like a management style. Again guilty, unorthodox, sue me.”
David Brent (Series 2, Episode 3)
Talking about Bruce Lee:
“You know when he's fighting Chuck Norris in Enter the Dragon?”
“No?”
“You not seen that?”
“No?”
“Have you not, I can’t... that is a classic.”
“No, I’ve not seen him fight Chuck Norris in Enter the Dragon, I’ve seen him fight Chuck Norris in Way of the Dragon.”
“Ah, that’s what I meant, that's what I meant.”
“Is it? Why did you say have you seen him fight Chuck Norris in Enter the Dragon? He fight’s Bob Wall in both, but Norris is only in Way of the Dragon.”
“Yeah, I know, so when he’s fighting Chuck Norris-”
“In what?”
“In Way of the Dragon.”
“Correct. At last.”
Gareth and Simon (Series 2, Episode 4)
“The reason I put “If it’s in you, I’ll find it” is, if I waste good time and money looking for it, and see it’s definitely not in you, I don’t wanna be sued ‘cos you haven’t got it, so, you know, not gonna get me on that.”
David Brent (Series 2, Episode 4)
“No I don’t talk about my love life for a very good reason, and that reason is I don’t have one. Which is very good news for the ladies-I am still available. I’m a heck of a catch, cos, er well look at it. I live in Slough, in a lovely house, with my parents. I have my own room, which I’ve had since yep, since I was born. That’s seen a lot of action I tell you. Mainly dusting. I went to university for a year as well, before I dropped out, so I’m a quitter. So, er, form an orderly queue ladies.”
Tim (Series 2, Episode 3
“Neil makes me laugh though, because, you know, it’s his interfering, it’s his timing. Going on about he wants some report doing-it’s red nose day, you know. Ooh, what’s more important, you Neil, with your report, or some starving children? Ooh I don't know. Ooh what would Lenny Henry say? I think we know-imagine him going out of the door on comic relief day and Dawn French is going ‘Where you going, you haven’t done the washing up. You haven’t put the rubbish out.’ ‘Do it yourself I’ve gotta save some Africans!’.”
David Brent (Series 2, Episode 5)
“Life is just a series of peaks and troughs. And you don’t know whether you’re in a trough until you’re climbing out, or on a peak until you’re coming down. And that’s it you know, you never know what’s round the corner. But it’s all good. ‘If you want the rainbow, you’ve gotta put up with the rain.’ Do you know which philosopher said that? Dolly Parton. And people say she’s just a big pair of tits.”
David Brent (Series 2, Episode 6)
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