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How to do the BrentDance
Many of us have often wanted to do the BrentDance, while out clubbing or queuing in the Post Office like in The Full Monty for example, without fear of embarrassing ourselves by getting it slightly wrong. So here’s how you do it!A small note: I was unable for various reasons to use images from the actual show, so I was forced to improvise, as I’m sure you’ll see.Another small note: I wish I could somehow pass this off as a subtle ironic pastiche of all those who would actually do the BrentDance, never realising that to do so would merely confirm their status as a person akin to David Brent, but ever since I started referring to it as the “BrentDance” and not David Brent’s dance, I crossed that line. I can never return.
The Unofficial Guide
1. Start off with something nice and simple, nice and slow, just clap your hands and start singing the intro to disco inferno by the trammppps (which is the tune repeated by everyone in the show, best described as “mm mmm mm mmmm mmm...”).2. Do a little boogie from side to side, legs and arms swinging slightly. Resist the urge for a big start, this isn’t a Bond film or anything like that, it’s all about the way you slowly build the piece, it’s very tantric. Very.3. Do a jump forward. Technically not worthy of a step in itself, but this is the last chance you have to pull out before you cross the line that you can never return.4. The fun begins! first of all is the rotato-arms which involves making a right angle with your right arm, and hitting it with your left, making it swing round while you do. then reverse this action by swapping round the arms you use, then sort of swing both your forearms round at the elbows.5. Easy to miss, the Travolta-o-pose, be subtle with this baby, or you'll ruin the vibe of the whole piece. best advice is to pull out of the pose before you think you've made it. Also do a half reversed Travolta-o-pose before you start getting those legs in gear!
5a. The tit shake. I count this as the only optional move of the piece, as getting the required counterbalance to furiously shaking your chest from side to side is not possible without being a woman, or quite fat. I am neither of these, and so sadly, will be ever unable to perform this move, unless I undergo some drastic change of lifestyle.6. Walk backwards while keeping the top half of your arms stuck to your side, like in that deodorant ad. move the front half of your arms up and down as though you are a little kid over stimulated with sunny delight doing an impression of Thomas the Tank Engine.7. After the backwards stupid tanker, comes a full speed Fawlty. What you do with your arms here is immaterial, although experience suggests using them to keep balance is for the best, as all eyes will be on your legs, as first right, then left gets kicked up in front to it's full height. It’s normally about now that you will lose the crowd.8. So you better win them back! The mental teapot involves placing one hand on your hip, and waving the other arm up and down while pointing at the faces around you whose expressions would lead you to believe they'd just seen whatever it s people slow down on a motorway to see, and it wasn't nearly as funny as they thought it would be. It's important to bounce round in a circle, trying to cover as much of the audience as possible with your pointing, so that no one feels left out or unwanted. Again make sure you MT impresses, as the next bit will really get on their tits. To stick to the levels of excellence that I’ve set myself for this guide, finish your MT with a quick Fawlty kick, and while you bend your knees slightly, point to one side with one arm, while the other points at your chest, then reverse.9. Freestyle territory. Some people say that by this point, to honour the spirit of Brent, that by this point you should just improvise your routine, drawing on what you've done before. Good for them. It's not exactly against the law. But for those reading this who still have a bit of integrity left in their souls, you'll want to stick in a finger-first-spin here, then crouch while pointing up to the big wide sky, or strip lighting. Doesn't really matter. A finger first spin involves spinning round on the spot, but bending one arm out in the direction you are spinning as shown below, but not very clearly due to using a camera with a long exposure time. Still, pretty cool pic eh!?10. Do a crouching mental Thomas, followed by another quick finger-first.11. This next move is hard to describe to those of you not familiar with the Bangle’s video to ‘Walk Like an Egyptian.’ So the pictures will have to do:12. The shimmer-shako-sideways-substandard-rotato-arms. Substandard because while, like before, only the forearms move while the top of the arms stays in line with the shoulders, instead of rotating, the forearms merely rapidly point in unison to one side, then the other. What makes this move great though, in my opinion, is the full harmony of the body. Because while the arms move side to side rapidly, the body does slow at a slower rate, with the legs bringing the whole self nearer to the ground in a sort of crab like sideways limbo dancing way. Don't do a SSSSRA for too long, as it really takes it's toll on your knees.
Whoops, sorry I didn’t take a photo for this. I wish I had because after Brent’s initial move, this is the part of the routine that you probably remember best from the show. Shame really.
13. A chance to get your breath back, simply walk forward, pointing one hand up in the air, then the other. This may seem none too impressive but it does help bring the piece to a climax...14. Walk back to your chosen finish point while still doing the flappy arms thing, do a finger first spin, then clap your hands and- (It's of note to point out here that by this time you should really have chosen the one person you want to most impress with your routine. In the show, Brent of course addresses the camera in this matter, but if you are not being filmed, then you will have to make this decision carefully. The boss is always a good choice, as it might just make them laugh, which will make anyway impending warning a bit harder to articulate. If not the boss, then maybe there’s someone about you fancy, but have been too shy to reveal your feelings for. Forget all that Tim and Dawn, having a private heartfelt chat away from the crowds, it’s time to pounce!)
- and then with the opposite finger to the finger first spin, touch your nose and then point directly to the person you are after, leaving yourself standing in a stationary mental teapot pose.
15. Hang your head in shame.
The End